Wednesday, November 09, 2005

COM: Thanks for your email . . .

99% of the email that is forwarded to me by "friends" is neither funny nor useful. And for those who don't understand this, and are likewise deluged with spam and can't understand why -- these little viral things, cute, witty, shallow collections of sayings, jokes, etc. are ways in which spammers collect email addresses. They get passed around -- forwarded -- ad infinitum, with long lists of ripe-for-the-picking email addresses. If you send chain emails you're contributing to spam -- yours and mine. So stop, please, you're hurting America.

On the other hand, there are a handful of my friends, who are a) smart enough to understand this, and use the blind copy function, and remove all previous email stacks; and b) are astute enough to know wisdom and humor from garbage. I can always count on these friends to deliver something useful to my email box. They will go unnamed here, except as i give them credit for what they provide. One of my correspondents must always remain anonymous lest they become the next Valerie Plame. That correspondent has sent me the following, which kills a flock of birds with one sharply aimed rock.

I want to thank all of you who have taken the time and trouble to send me your chain letters over the past two years. Thank you for making me feel safe, secure, blessed, and wealthy.

Because of your concern...

I no longer can drink Coca Cola because it can remove toilet stains.

I no longer drink Pepsi or Dr. Pepper since the people who make these products are atheists who refuse to put "Under God" on their cans.

I no longer use Saran wrap in the microwave because it causes cancer.

I no longer check the coin return on pay phones because I could be pricked with a needle infected with AIDS.

I no longer use cancer-causing deodorants even though I smell like a water buffalo on a hot day.

I no longer go to shopping malls because someone will drug me with a perfume sample and rob me.

I no longer receive packages from UPS or FedEx since they are actually Al Qaeda in disguise.

I no longer shop at Target since they are French and don't support our troops.

I no longer answer the phone because someone will ask me to dial a stupid number for which I will get the phone bill from hell with calls to Jamaica, Uganda, Singapore, and Uzbekistan.

I no longer eat KFC because their chickens are actually horrible mutant freaks with no eyes or feathers.

I no longer go to bars because someone will drug me and take my kidneys and leave me taking a nap in a bathtub full of ice.

Thanks to you, I have learned that God only answers my prayers if I forward an email to 7 of my friends and make a wish within 5 minutes. I no longer have any savings because I gave it to a sick girl who has been dying for the past seven years.

I no longer have any money at all, but that will change once I receive the $15,000 that Microsoft and AOL are sending me for participating in their special e-mail program.

I will now return the favor.

If you don't send this e-mail to at least 1200 people in the next 60 seconds, a large bird will fly over your head at 5:00 pm and puke it's last six meals of carrion. Then the fleas of a thousand camels will infest your armpits. I know this will occur because it actually happened to a friend of a friend of a friend's neighbor's cousin, and he's a lawyer.


Post a Comment

<< Home